Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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