omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
