her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
