I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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