so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
