we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
