i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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