drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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