I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
