I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
