p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
