I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
