Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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