just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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