mondays should just be called national damage control day
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
