at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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