Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
