i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I am midnight drunk by noon
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
