The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
