They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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