Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
