Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
