I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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