so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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