Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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