I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
