I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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