After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
