I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
