You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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