We tried having a conversation with our noses.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
