How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
