I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
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