Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
