Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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