please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
