just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
