I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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