I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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