new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
