Umm I'm too high to move.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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