i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Is her dick bigger than yours?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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