He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
