my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Use "feeling words"
Yay
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
