Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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