The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she told me i tasted like america
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
