I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
