I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
