I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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