he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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